Only Memories Were Left For Me To Hold
by Detective Broadway
Summary: Synopsis: A middle-aged mother was stabbed to death in an alley way and its Beckett's mothers birthday. She has a hard time dealing with memories that continue to reform in her mind. Josh or Gine don't exist.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N hey guys, this is a slightly a/u fic as Josh and Gina don't exist. Rated T for Future Chapters. Reviews are love, so if you like it let me know :) i understand this chapter is super small but like the future chapters are longer i promise. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything :(**

**Chapter 1: Prologue; At The Start Of Each Day**

_Bzz, bzz._ Kate Beckett groaned as she unwillingly awoke to the sound of her cell going off.  
>'Beckett.' She flipped open her phone to Esposito who was on the other end, trying to sound more awake than she was.<br>'Rise and shine we got a fresh new murder just for you, 222 West 51st Street' He chuckled after he spoke.  
>'Oh I just love the smell of murder in the morning.' With that she flipped her phone shut and checked the time before replacing it on her bedside table. <em>4:47, why does murder have to be so early? <em>She sat straight up on the side of her bed running her hands roughly over her face. Looking over to the calendar on the wall she let out a sigh. Beckett's gaze wandered back to her phone, she reached for it but hesitated, then continued through and picked it up. Scrolling through her contacts , she stopped immediately on the one she seeked and dialled it.  
>'<em>Hey sweetie!'<em>

'Hey dad, how are you?'  
>'<em>I'm... I'm ok. What about you... Are you coping?'<em>

'Have been for 12 years dad, and I'm fine.' It was silent for a moment, when Beckett broke the silence.

'I have to uhm, I have to go... I have a crime scene to get to... But, uh.. I was just checking to see if our lunch was still on?' Her voice was so small, almost childlike; a lump was starting to form in the back of her throat.  
>'<em>Of course Katie, you uh.. Have fun at your crime scene or... Yeah well I'll see you at 1.'<br>_'Ok, see you then.' Kate's lips started to quiver and she let out a small whimper, her head bent in sorrow as a single tear started to form in the corner of her eye and slowly make it's way down her face.

_Murder now Kate, emotions later. You can do this, just get through the day and let it all out later. There's no point in mourning. _She told herself, to which she stood up and headed for the dresser.

Kate opened the first, small drawer as she did every morning as part of her routine. She pulled out her fathers watch, and attached it to her wrist, nice and tight. Reaching back into the drawer she pulled out a necklace with a ring on it - her mothers ring. Pulling it over her neck she did it up at the back, sliding her right hand back down the silver chain and firmly grasping it, pulling it to her lips which pressed against it.  
>'I miss you...' she whispered to herself. She then continued to fix herself up for work.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N heres the 2nd chapter guys, hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything :(**

**Chapter 2: And the memories begin. **

-x-

'What have you got for me?' Beckett paced down the alleyway like a man on a mission, like she always did whilst approaching a crime scene.  
>'Female, mid 30's, I'd say from the multiple stab wounds she was most definitely stabbed to death unless I find something else, I'll run more tests when I get her back to the lab.' Lanie said with a nod.<p>

'How long has she been dead?'  
>'I'd say around, 5-6 hours ago,' Lanie stood next to Kate, 'Sweetie, how you holding up today?' her voice was much gentler now, caring.<p>

'I'm fine, really.' Beckett had noticed the familiar murder style and winced at the thought. She gave Lanie a reassuring nod and drifted away from her to make a quick phone call. Kate dialled that oh-so familiar number as she always did.  
>'<em>Good morning Detective, and to what do I owe the pleasure?'<em>

'Did I wake you by any chance?'

'_No, no I was wide awake, my mother is practicing for her audition today so there's no hope of sleeping through that.'_

'Oh ok well I guess I'm your saviour, 222 West 51st Street. Your going to love this one, see you soon.'

' _Til then Detective.'_

Beckett snapped her phone shut and strode over to Esposito.

'G'morning Beckett, where's Castle?' Esposito spoke to her whilst he scribbled something in his notepad.

'Oh he's coming, where's Ryan?'

'He's l-'

'-I found it!' Both Beckett and Esposito's gaze moved to a near by dumpster to which Ryan was standing in holding up a purse. Beckett and Esposito exchanged glances of humour then fixed there eyes back on Ryan.

'Vic's name was Amanda Harrison, aged 34.' He spoke whilst rummaging through the purse for any more details.

'My mother would _love_ this case.' They all turned to spot Castle, smiling like an idiot. And as she always did, Beckett rolled her eyes at him - but with a huge smile on her face. She loved having him around, it made her work more enjoyable and he always seemed to brighten her day by his presence. The days he didn't shadow her she was more strict and less motivated. She honestly couldn't remember life before Castle. She realised she had started to stare at him and realised she should respond.

'And why is that Castle?' She smirked at him.

'Because, that building right there - that's The Gershwin Theatre.' They all looked to the building he pointed to, then back at him.

'Great, so we're dealing with a bunch of thespians. It's hard enough dealing with Castle.' she spoke as if he wasn't present.

'Hey! I'm much easier to deal with than a bunch of actors, especially in a murder case.' Castle had a hint of hurt in his voice, but it was definitely just for effect.

'Yeah well, we'll see.'

-x-

They came to the front of what Castle had observed as the Gershwin Theatre, to which Kate admired the building. Memories came flooding into Kate's head, remembering the time her mother had taken her to the theatre.

**10 Years Ago**

_'Come on Katie, let's go!' Johanna Beckett called to her daughter as she re-applied her lipstick, waiting for her. _

_'I'll just be a sec mom!' Katie called from the bathroom. She was just about finished applying her 'Blackest Black' eyeliner. _

_'Hurry, we're going to be late! I swear we're late for everything.' She muttered that last part to herself. _

_'I heard that.' Or so Johanna thought she said it to herself. Katie exited the bathroom and roamed over to her mother who was oblivious. _

_'How do I look?' Johanna turned to face her daughter and felt herself gasp. She was 18 yet she looked so grown up. Johanna took in what she was wearing. She had a soft, white overcoat on, with two columns of big, round, white buttons up the middle. It had a white tie around the middle like on a dressing gown, tied up in a lazy double knot; the coat came to just above her knee. She wore black skinny jeans on the bottom, which were mostly covered by her jacket and boots. Her boots were a few inches short of her knees. They were a black, velvet sort of material with a fake, silver, square buckle at the top just below the rim; the heels measured to be of about 5 inches. And her long, brown hair was left down and wavy.  
>'You look amazing darling. Come on, let's go.'<em>

**Present**

'You ever been to the theatre detective?' Kate was brought out of her trance to notice Castle staring at her quizzically.

'N-No, uhm never.' She lied and she knew he knew. He voice slightly trembled but not enough for anyone to notice, or so she hoped. Although Castle _did_ notice, but didn't bother asking her about it.

'Ok then, shall we go in?' As he finished speaking she walked up to the doors, with him chasing after.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Why Not?**

'Good morning! How may I help you two?' A man in his early 20's said to Beckett and Castle as they walked up the reception desk. And as she always does, Beckett pulled out her badge from her coat pocket.

'Hi, I'm Detective Beckett and this is-' And as on a regular basis, she was cut off.

'-Richard Castle? I'm Vic sir, Victor Sykes' he held his hand out to which Castle grabbed back and shook, 'pleasure to meet you uh, sir. I've read all your books - your a really good author, sir.' His words arrived fast and together, he looked nervous.

'Oh well thanks kid.' Castle grinned at him, then at Beckett who rolled her eyes at him.

'Oh, right, yeah uhm, what could I do for you detective?' He still looked nervous.

'We're investigating a murder.'

'Oh my god, who died?'

'Amanda Harrison, do you know her?' Castle intercepted. He liked asking the questions. The look on Vic's face told them that yes, he did know her. His face went dead, expressionless.

'Oh no. Oh god. That can't be.'

'So yeah, you knew her?' Castle could be so blunt sometimes.

'W-w-well, of course I did, everyone here did. Sh-she's play's Carmen.' Beckett looked to Castle with a questioning look on her face as if to say _Who the hell is Carmen?_ But he just shrugged at her, he was looking as puzzled as her. They both looked back at him.

'Carmen?' Beckett asked.

'Carmen - basically the lead, in Fame? Don't you go to the theatre?'

'She's a cop, she doesn't get out much, and I just don't remember theatre characters names. But Fame's playing at the moment, that's awesome!' Castle got out his phone, texting his mother or daughter Kate supposed.

'Castle!' She whispered to him, slightly threateningly.

'Oh right, sorry.'

'I have to go tell our stage manager, he has to call in her understudy.' Victor went to leave but Beckett stopped him in his tracks.

'Where were you between the hours of 10pm last night and 1am this morning?' Vic's face was shocked as all hell.

'Wait, are you suspecting me of murder?'

'You know most actors would love to be suspected of murder. The thrill, method acting, tell the story of how dramatic it was.' Kate shot him an ice cold look that made him stop talking instantly.

'I'm not an actor sir, nor do I work the reception. I do the lighting but I'm just filling in at reception til Sarah gets here. Our usual receptionist.'

'Answer the question, Victor.' Beckett was stern.

'Uhm, I was at home, so like, can I go now?'

'Can anyone vouch for you?'

'Yeah, my roommate Jaime. Here, I'll give you his number, or whatever.'

Victor gave Beckett Jaime's number and they left.

-x-

'What?'

'Hmm?'

'What's so fascinating about watching me do paperwork? Don't you have somewhere to be?' She didn't hate him watching her, she liked him being there. But what annoyed her is she didn't know why he found it so fascinating.

'No.' Time passed and Castle began to speak again. 'Lanie told me.'

'Lanie... Told you _what_ exactly?' She didn't want him to know that it was her mothers birthday, but at the same time, she did.

'That it's your mother's birthday.' He spoke very serious and with such sincerity. She looked up at him, with sad eyes.

'Beckett, may I have a word?' Captain Montgomery poked his head out his office to call her in.

'Saved by the bell.' She faked a smile and stood, making her way to Montgomery's office.

'Yes sir?' She spoke as she closed the door behind her.

'I understand if you want to take the day off today.'

'No sir, I'm quite capable of working today.'

'Fine, I'm ordering you take the day off. You never take time off work so here's an opportunity. Now go home and have some you time.'

'Sir I don't need-'

'-Go. Esposito and Ryan have got this.

'Thankyou sir.'

Kate made her way over to her desk, quickly grabbing her coat off her chair and throwing it over her shoulder, exiting to the elevator.

-x-

_Knock, knock._

Kate made her way over to the door and opened it to the beaming face of Castle.

'Hey Castle.' Her voice was shaky but she didn't care.

'Hey.' His smile slowly disappeared when he noticed how unstable her voice sounded.

'Wanna come in?'

'Sure, yeah.' He entered and she went and shut the door behind him.

'Coffee?'

'No thanks, just had one.' He offered her a small smile. She motioned for him to sit down on the couch, and he did. Kate went and joined him on his left side.

'You know, I lied before. I have been to the theatre, _that_ theatre.' She didn't look at him as she spoke.

'Yeah?' She looked to him.

'Exactly 11 years ago today.' She noticed her voice slightly trembled as she spoke and she hoped Castle hadn't noticed.

'I was 18, and I had recently learned that her secret love was the theatre from dad. So on her birthday I took her to Broadway. We saw Fame and it was amazing. It was one of the best nights of my life.'

Her voice slightly started to falter on those last few words and Castle had realised. He placed a hand on the small of her back and lightly rubbed it. He moved it up to wrap his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him. She rested her head on his chest and brought her left arm up and around his neck. Kate's lip began to quiver and as hard as she tried, she couldn't fight the tears that started to fall, or the ragged sobs that came with it. Castle brought his other arm around her and tightened her into his embrace, kissing the top of her head lightly.

After a while Kate spoke up though still sobbing, head still buried in Castles chest.

'Hey, Castle?'

'Hey, yeah?' His voice was so gentle and caring.

'Thank you. You didn't have to come over or do this.'

'But I wanted to.' She looked up at him then and couldn't help the smile that filled her face, or the redness in her cheeks that followed. She averted his gaze and re-buried her head in his chest.

They had later migrated around the apartment, Beckett leaning on the counter top and Castle leaning on the couch. Beckett shared stories with Castle about her mother. Some were funny, some were of how amazing she was at her job, but every story Kate identified her mother as a hero, a role model. By the end of it, Castle missed Johanna Beckett, and he'd never even met her - but the way that Kate tells a story, it's like you knew her.

' 'Life never delivers anything we can't handle' she use to say, she called it Johanna's Immutable Law of the Universe or something.' The both chuckled.

'So where's your dad this evening?'

'Oh he's out of town, probably drunk somewhere. He didn't take her death to easy.'

'Your amazing.' _Oh crap, that wasn't meant to come out. _Castle thought.

'What?' Kate was faintly blushing. _I've already said it, not much I can do now, might as well go with the flow_ he thought to himself.

'I said, your amazing. But it wasn't meant to be said, I was just thinking it and it came out.' Castle blushed big time, and looked away.

'Your the amazing one.' His head snapped up to look at her blushing face.

'Me? How?'

'You just are. I mean, you came over here and comforted me. And you made me happy and made me laugh on a day I'd usually be moping around all day. In fact, not just today - everyday. At work, you make everything bearable and fun. I can't remember what it was like working without you. You truly are amazing.'

Kate freaked out in that moment, _had I really just said that?_ She had feelings for him, but he couldn't know that. She was so afraid to love him, but she didn't know why. He was perfect but she thought that maybe she was just another one of her conquests, just another person to sleep with. He was madly in love with her, but he couldn't let her know. If she didn't feel the same way then things would be awkward. _I really should just go for it _he thought.

They both realised at the same time they had been staring at each other for a good minute now.

Castle spoke up first averting his gaze to anywhere but her.

'Well, I uhm, should go you need your rest... Or you.. Want some, alone time...'

'Oh, yeah well I mean you don't have to go... Unless you have somewhere to be?' _I don't want him to go _she thought herself.

'Huh, no I don't have anywhere to be.' He offered her a smile and received one in response.

'Good, because I don't want you to go' Kate whispered every so lowly, hoping that he only heard the first bit.

'What?' Did he just hear her right? 'Did you just say...-' _Oh what the hell_ thought Beckett.

'-That I didn't want you to go? Yeah...' She spoke so softly, still looking anywhere but him, lightly biting her lip. She looked to him shyly, a smile playing on her lips.

'I didn't _really_ want to leave.. I just thought you might've wanted me to go.' He was happy he didn't have to go.

'Oh, no. Can I ask you something, Castle?' _Oh god, oh crap what's she gonna ask? _Castle started to freak out, but kept his cool.

'Of course, Detective.' He raised an eyebrow and pouted playfully.

'I mean it's stupid, and I mean you don't have to..'

'What is it?'

'Would you... Would you stay tonight, with me? I mean just for support... I just, don't want to be alone tonight. '

'Yeah, o-of course - sure.' Kate cheeks were red once again as Rick gave her one of his award-winning smiles.

-x-


End file.
